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Thursday, June 20, 2013

IT'S JUST......




It's another one of those days my mind dizzy with the "what if's, how did I get here, what did I  do that was so wrong, why can't I have just a small part of the life I dreamed of, am I so unlovable, why do I feel so alone, why can't I do something right"

It seems no matter how hard I try or don't try I end up in the same place, my mind dizzy with the same feelings and thoughts. I've never really felt like I 'belong' I don't seem to 'fit in' ....No, I lie...The only time I truly felt or feel I fit or belong is when I'm sitting by myself in nature, just being. No wondering if I'm doing or saying the right thing, not worrying if I'm dressed right or dressed at all (still in pj's). Not thinking or worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing and if I'm doing it right. Not  worrying if I'm accepted or not and what did I do so wrong that those  around me can't or don't want to accept me.

Maybe  I am such a bad person that I deserve the things that have happened to me in my life, that I really am the selfish, thoughtless self centered  person I've been told I am. Maybe they're right and there are ulterior motives in the what I think are thoughtful things I've done and do for others. Maybe somewhere tucked away in the recesses of my mind are thoughts of 'what can I gain from doing this for this person?' Maybe I don't deserve the nice things I've had and so carefully looked after, maybe that's why they've always been taken from me in one fashion or another.

Maybe I don't deserve any kind of respect, they say respect is earned maybe I haven't earned any respect, even though I try and treat everyone with respect regardless of their place in life. Maybe I don't deserve to have my belongings taken care of like I take care of others belongings. Or maybe I don't really look after and treat other peoples belongings with the care and respect I'd like mine to be given. I know there are times I've spoken out of turn, said things I shouldn't but I've never lied about someone nor agreed with things that aren't true. Maybe I deserve the lies that have been told about me and the lynch mob attitude I got from a group of people.

As I look around me my heart sinks deeper with my mind, even my plants are dying

I used to have beautiful plants (a lot of them were stolen) here in Kansas.. In philly I had an organic garden, grew veggies, herbs, flowers and some fruit. My dear sweet MrT loved gardening with me and choosing ripe veggies to eat. I'd feed the neighbours, our friends would pick from the garden and I made sure there was enough to feed the wildlife that would visit. The food that I grew wasn't good enough for someone, they wanted "real lettuce like you buy at the store"

I don't have photos of my garden or MrT digging with me and choosing veggies because those I brought with me when I left philly were stolen along with everything else.

 I should eat but I'm not hungry, I should and need to do this, that and the other, it's not just that I don't have the hearts not in it anymore.


  1. Bless your sweet cotton socks sari no-one can have a better friend than you. All these years you've stood by me, been there for me and helped me through so much, not once did you question my sanity. For those who think Sari has jumped to my aide, stood by my side without question are wrong. There have been times Sari has told me to take another look at a situation from a different perspective, there have been times when she's told me I was thinking wrongly about something....and yes Sari was right.

    I often wonder what my life would've been like if I'd gone to California with you, would my health had gone down so fast, would it have progressed at all or would it have gone in remission. I am constantly told by doctors stress is one of the worst things for autoimmune diseases.

    Thank you for being my friend Sari.

  2. Oh Junnie my dear friend, you are NOT a bad person. You are NOT selfish. Would a selfish person come over to her friend's house to help her clean, help her change her headlights to save her money be there for her countless phone hours as her friend laments and complains and then tells that friend listening to you helps me? I think not. A selfish person would never take the time to do such things. I've had people tell me I'm selfish too and you know what I discovered? People that say such things are the selfish ones and THEY ARE TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU by trying to make you feel bad and guilty because THEY KNOW you WILL feel guilty and will most like give in and do their bidding. So think about i,t who is really the selfish one? Because a selfish person never actually feels bad about such things and doesn't feel they are being selfish. They tell you if you don't like it (whatever it may be) it's your problem. Selfish people don't try to please others. It's all about them. That is so not you my dear.
    I don't know why these bad things have happened to you but I know that you don't deserve them.
    YOU ARE A GOOD AND KIND PERSON. Anyone who tries to make you feel different can go piss off as far as I'm concerned

  3. I don't know why the background is purple, it seems the whole thing posted as a picture, I can't figure out how to change it, I hope it doesn't cause problems for those who care to read it.

  4. I think we've helped each other through the years to take a step back when needed and view things from a different angle. You've done that for me too. Sometimes we need that friend who can look at things objectivly, and yet still empathize with our pain and lend an ear or a shoulder without being so objective as to not see that we are hurting and that is the friend you've been for me.You too have never judged me or made me feel bad for things I've done and bad decisions I've made and you know all too well I've made some rash and stupid decisions. You helped me through and gave me advice I could use and yet never pushed your advice on me or made me feel like that advice was the only option unlike another friend I have. A well meaning friend, but I've discovered over the years following her advice usually put me in a worse situation. But that's a whole other story. You always seem to know what advice to give me that works for me. I think that's cause you know me so well.
    I don't know if coming to Cali would have been better for your health, maybe if cold makes your health worse. I do know one thing you wouldn't freeze your ass off every winter. Oh the adventures we could have had if had come...
    I still remember the first time I met you in Fern's car when she picked us both up to go somewhere so long ago. After a few minutes I felt like we were instant friends something clicked between us. You know how cautious and reserved I am when it comes to accepting someone into my heart.That's only happened 3 times in my life, in kindergarten with my friend Sheryl who I am still friends with, Janine in 9th grade who I would still be friends with had she not passed away and with you.
    Thank you too for being my friend and being there for me countless times even when you were in more pain than I.
    And I still hope that someday I can bring you out here even if only for a short visit

  5. For once I don't know what to say.....I miss you.


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