ONE OF THOSE DAYS
|THE COMFORT OF ANNIE|
It's another one of those days my mind dizzy with the "what if's, how did I get here, what did I do that was so wrong, why can't I have just a small part of the life I dreamed of, am I so unlovable, why do I feel so alone, why can't I do something right"
It seems no matter how hard I try or don't try I end up in the same place, my mind dizzy with the same feelings and thoughts. I've never really felt like I 'belong' I don't seem to 'fit in' ....No, I lie...The only time I truly felt or feel I fit or belong is when I'm sitting by myself in nature, just being. No wondering if I'm doing or saying the right thing, not worrying if I'm dressed right or dressed at all (still in pj's). Not thinking or worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing and if I'm doing it right. Not worrying if I'm accepted or not and what did I do so wrong that those around me can't or don't want to accept me.
Maybe I am such a bad person that I deserve the things that have happened to me in my life, that I really am the selfish, thoughtless self centered person I've been told I am. Maybe they're right and there are ulterior motives in the what I think are thoughtful things I've done and do for others. Maybe somewhere tucked away in the recesses of my mind are thoughts of 'what can I gain from doing this for this person?' Maybe I don't deserve the nice things I've had and so carefully looked after, maybe that's why they've always been taken from me in one fashion or another.
Maybe I don't deserve any kind of respect, they say respect is earned maybe I haven't earned any respect, even though I try and treat everyone with respect regardless of their place in life. Maybe I don't deserve to have my belongings taken care of like I take care of others belongings. Or maybe I don't really look after and treat other peoples belongings with the care and respect I'd like mine to be given. I know there are times I've spoken out of turn, said things I shouldn't but I've never lied about someone nor agreed with things that aren't true. Maybe I deserve the lies that have been told about me and the lynch mob attitude I got from a group of people.
As I look around me my heart sinks deeper with my mind, even my plants are dying
I used to have beautiful plants (a lot of them were stolen) here in Kansas.. In philly I had an organic garden, grew veggies, herbs, flowers and some fruit. My dear sweet MrT loved gardening with me and choosing ripe veggies to eat. I'd feed the neighbours, our friends would pick from the garden and I made sure there was enough to feed the wildlife that would visit. The food that I grew wasn't good enough for someone, they wanted "real lettuce like you buy at the store"
I don't have photos of my garden or MrT digging with me and choosing veggies because those I brought with me when I left philly were stolen along with everything else.
I should eat but I'm not hungry, I should and need to do this, that and the other, it's not just that I don't have the energy....my hearts not in it anymore.