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Thursday, May 16, 2013

I AM NOT STUPID

I'm not stupid

an idiot nor a fool

THANK YOU YOLANDA FOSTER FOR GIVING ME
THE WORDS AND COURAGE TO WRITE THIS

I'M NOT STUPID, I'M NOT STUPID.... I find myself saying these words more often these days, tears flowing down my cheeks and frustration. It's a frustration like I've never felt before, a cup of tea
 and stepping away from what I'm working on for a few minutes no longer works, I explode. I've had people say "oh I have days like that too" or "It happens as we age"   This is beyond that, it's not just losing my ability to figure things out, being dyslexic I learned along time ago to methodically follow directions step by step, often having to start by reading over again several times. I'm starting to not understand what I'm reading, no matter how many times I go over what's written. It's strange though, if I'm reading direction for something I've done before, say like baking or cooking I can do it. But I don't understand and can't follow directions for something that I'm not familiar with. It doesn't matter how simple it is, such as shareaholic to
 add a share button on my blog. It enables anyone to share my blog with their friends on any platform they may be using, instead of the few that's enabled now on my blog (or so I thought

It says 'drag to bar your services' after adding 4 more to the few it had automatically add, that was it, couldn't add anymore. Click save settings THEN UP POPPED 'CODE'....what the heck, I'm using a set template. One snippet I'm to place where I want the buttons to appear, the next LOT of code I'm to place 'right before the closing </head> tag' I have no clue what that is or where it is and trying to figure it out set my brain into overload spin. It didn't say anything about code, it said it was easy in the description (I think). That's one of the more complicated examples of my problem, just reading something as simple as 'choose this to do that, click on the other to do this, in the drop down put whatever' has often gotten me so lost. I end up reading over and over but it's like I'm not reading English, the frustration starts building, tears start to flow and the confusion is beyond not being able to see my hand in front of my face. When I blog I type into an empty box!!(afraid to say how long it took to figure it out) I still have days when everything I learned disappears out of my brain, I just stare at the box with it's simple editing tools. 


I used to be able to figure things out on the computer, it's how I caught someone in a web of lies (thought I was stupid didn't you). I used to enjoy learning new things and loved reading, not anymore. Besides the fact learning seems to be impossible I struggle to stay awake, within minutes I can be found asleep in the strangest positions. So far it's taken me two days 12 hours plus each day to get this far. Simply reading what I've typed often doesn't make sense, I correct things only to realise later I'd messed up something that was right in the beginning. The double vision I deal with most of the time doesn't help either. Many times when I have to read something or fill out a form (they're the worst), using the excuse I don't have my glasses with me I let 'W' fill in the forms and read what needs to be read, then stuffing it in my purse to read (which doesn't happen) in privacy.

That's only one part of my problem, the other part is thought to speech, it was the first of my cognitive problems. It started happening to me many years ago, it would come and go at first. I was able to laugh it off  back then putting it down to over working and not enough sleep. I used to be able to have intelligent conversations about many different subjects for hours. If I had to back up my comments with fact or defend myself against a verbal attack, I was able to very intelligently. Now my conversations are full of umm umm, oh umm, while desperately searching my brain for the right words. Like Yolanda Foster I've ended up using language I wouldn't normally use if I have to defend myself verbally, or I say "yes I know, I'm stupid and know jack shit"  Unfortunately someone finds my inability to speak eloquently funny and will push me to the point of f*** you. I'm sorry but there's something very wrong with someone who enjoys doing this, I'm very hurt by it and it's pushing me further into my blank mind.

I used to hear people say how intelligent I was, how they enjoyed talking with me. I had strangers calling me a breath of fresh air, everyone used to laugh at my quick dry sense of humour. I used to be a social butterfly, just ask my dear friend Sari. I can't remember the last time all this was part of my life. Some years  ago I had about 200 invatations to address and send out, upon giving me her list she read each name and address out to me in such away it made me seem as though I had no brain at all. I've had doctors and nurses treat me as though I didn't have the education to comprehend what they were saying. Years ago before it got this bad, I had a doctor ask me if I was a nurse, because I had done my research I understood what he was talking about, it was one of my few intelligent appointments. For years now I've struggled to explain what my problems are or how I'm feeling.

Unfortunately I've had and still have people around me that take advantage of my cognitive problems RIGHT FROM WRONG  They really don't seem to understand I'M NOT STUPID, AN IDIOT OR A FOOL. The only part of me that's a fool is giving you all a chance and trusting you'd do the right thing. When I say I heard you and repeat verbatim what had been said, I mean I heard you and you know I'm telling the truth. When I say I saw you do the things you did and tell you in detail what I saw, you know I'm telling the truth. Especially when you turned around and saw me watching you, when I walked into you in my hall way or when we locked eyes as you walked off with our bags stuffed full. When I tell you I've figured something out and explain in detail, you know I'm telling the truth. There are people who will look me in the eye as they do me wrong, some of the things are minor where asking or explaining would've sufficed. Did you really think I didn't know you stole the chocolate when I was in the kitchen? why do you think I picked up the bowl, stuffed it in front of you and say "here, take some more honey" I know you tried out something and used it a few days before bring it to me, if you'd have asked I would've said "that's ok"

It's time to stop using my cognitive problems for your entertainment, it's very hurtful and it's pushing me further into the darkness of my mind. I have no stuborness left, I'm to the point I could easily give up and spend all my days asleep in the dark. I don't know how much time I have left and the next respiratory attack or infection could be my last.........perminantly

I AM NOT STUPID, AN IDIOT OR A FOOL

 

4 comments:

  1. You are not stupid!! I just tried to leave a comment at least I thought I did as I got notified of this post via email and I replied via email but thought it would post to hear as it said it's shared publicly, yet it says 0 comments so no hun you aren't stupid. I think maybe the wording and instructions of how to blog may just be confusing.
    So since what I wrote wasn't posted here it is again or well I guess the first time for you, oh hell you know what I mean ;)
    Oh Junie it hurts my heart to read what you are going thru. You certainly were a social butterfly. I remember going out with you in Leeds and coming home at 4 a.m. I tell my friends out here that you were like the energizer bunny, just a bundle of energy, always with a laugh or a giggle. I'm sorry I haven't called you in a while. You know you can call me anytime. My shoulder is yours if you need it.

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  2. I follow Yolanda Foster's twitter & came across your tweet. Just read your letter. I don't know you but I'm so sorry for the way some people have treated you. Whoever would take advantage of you while you are sick do not deserve to have you in their lives!!! Sorry to be so blunt but I hope the person that stole chocolate in front of your face thinking you're a moron needs to rot in hell! I hate people like that. They are horrible sadistic people that probably had terrible parents & childhoods. But still, that's no excuse! Get rid of these people. You don't need them. Just focus on yourself and getting better. It's important to keep stress under control! By the way, don't you just love Yolanda?!! (:

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  3. Yes I do adore Yolanda, she is a lady to look up to and a good example to follow. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I don't know if you read through my blog ilovedandcared.blogspot.com I have posts (most in progress) about my life and things I've been through or going through. You're right by saying people can't blame their parents or childhood for their actions. We all have different ways of dealing with things and have different reactions, BUT we all know right from wrong or I should say MOST of us do. I think one of my downfalls is I'm very forgiving, thats not to say I trust so easily anymore and don't certain let people in my house or out of my sight if they do step in. I'll work at getting stress reduced and under control.....Bless You and Thank you again.

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  4. Bless your heart Sari you always have my back, you always do your best to uplift me and you're the only person thats never doubted me, always believed me about things that happen in my life. Some of the things you've seen with your own two eyes. Thank you for being kind and saying it could be the wording, you know as well as I there was a time I could do this stuff....Remember me teaching you the word processor, then the old computer? .

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