I'm not stupid
an idiot nor a fool
THE WORDS AND COURAGE TO WRITE THIS
and stepping away from what I'm working on for a few minutes no longer works, I explode. I've had people say "oh I have days like that too" or "It happens as we age" This is beyond that, it's not just losing my ability to figure things out, being dyslexic I learned along time ago to methodically follow directions step by step, often having to start by reading over again several times. I'm starting to not understand what I'm reading, no matter how many times I go over what's written. It's strange though, if I'm reading direction for something I've done before, say like baking or cooking I can do it. But I don't understand and can't follow directions for something that I'm not familiar with. It doesn't matter how simple it is, such as shareaholic to
I used to be able to figure things out on the computer, it's how I caught someone in a web of lies (thought I was stupid didn't you). I used to enjoy learning new things and loved reading, not anymore. Besides the fact learning seems to be impossible I struggle to stay awake, within minutes I can be found asleep in the strangest positions. So far it's taken me two days 12 hours plus each day to get this far. Simply reading what I've typed often doesn't make sense, I correct things only to realise later I'd messed up something that was right in the beginning. The double vision I deal with most of the time doesn't help either. Many times when I have to read something or fill out a form (they're the worst), using the excuse I don't have my glasses with me I let 'W' fill in the forms and read what needs to be read, then stuffing it in my purse to read (which doesn't happen) in privacy.
That's only one part of my problem, the other part is thought to speech, it was the first of my cognitive problems. It started happening to me many years ago, it would come and go at first. I was able to laugh it off back then putting it down to over working and not enough sleep. I used to be able to have intelligent conversations about many different subjects for hours. If I had to back up my comments with fact or defend myself against a verbal attack, I was able to very intelligently. Now my conversations are full of umm umm, oh umm, while desperately searching my brain for the right words. Like Yolanda Foster I've ended up using language I wouldn't normally use if I have to defend myself verbally, or I say "yes I know, I'm stupid and know jack shit" Unfortunately someone finds my inability to speak eloquently funny and will push me to the point of f*** you. I'm sorry but there's something very wrong with someone who enjoys doing this, I'm very hurt by it and it's pushing me further into my blank mind.
I used to hear people say how intelligent I was, how they enjoyed talking with me. I had strangers calling me a breath of fresh air, everyone used to laugh at my quick dry sense of humour. I used to be a social butterfly, just ask my dear friend Sari. I can't remember the last time all this was part of my life. Some years ago I had about 200 invatations to address and send out, upon giving me her list she read each name and address out to me in such away it made me seem as though I had no brain at all. I've had doctors and nurses treat me as though I didn't have the education to comprehend what they were saying. Years ago before it got this bad, I had a doctor ask me if I was a nurse, because I had done my research I understood what he was talking about, it was one of my few intelligent appointments. For years now I've struggled to explain what my problems are or how I'm feeling.
Unfortunately I've had and still have people around me that take advantage of my cognitive problems RIGHT FROM WRONG They really don't seem to understand I'M NOT STUPID, AN IDIOT OR A FOOL. The only part of me that's a fool is giving you all a chance and trusting you'd do the right thing. When I say I heard you and repeat verbatim what had been said, I mean I heard you and you know I'm telling the truth. When I say I saw you do the things you did and tell you in detail what I saw, you know I'm telling the truth. Especially when you turned around and saw me watching you, when I walked into you in my hall way or when we locked eyes as you walked off with our bags stuffed full. When I tell you I've figured something out and explain in detail, you know I'm telling the truth. There are people who will look me in the eye as they do me wrong, some of the things are minor where asking or explaining would've sufficed. Did you really think I didn't know you stole the chocolate when I was in the kitchen? why do you think I picked up the bowl, stuffed it in front of you and say "here, take some more honey" I know you tried out something and used it a few days before bring it to me, if you'd have asked I would've said "that's ok"
It's time to stop using my cognitive problems for your entertainment, it's very hurtful and it's pushing me further into the darkness of my mind. I have no stuborness left, I'm to the point I could easily give up and spend all my days asleep in the dark. I don't know how much time I have left and the next respiratory attack or infection could be my last.........perminantly
I AM NOT STUPID, AN IDIOT OR A FOOL