"It would help if you didn't keep turning right"
We did eventually make it to the lake and had a wonderful time,we didn't catch much that day but that didn't matter, we had fun. As the sun we getting low in the sky we packed up, made our way to the outside toilets. Being the gentleman you let me go first I tried to warn you about the mosquitoes as you desperately rushed in, but my words went unheard. I was trying to shout over the top of the wall you came bursting out with the biggest cloud of mosquitoes chasing you, pulling up your zipper shouting
"OOH MY PECKER"
|OUT OF ICU DEC 2012|
I want you to know I appreciate very much all you do and have done for me. I know it hasn't been easy for you and less so now, I need you now more than ever before. I need to know you still love me and want me. I need your patience in a way I've never needed it in the past. I don't expect you to know how to fix it, I just need your emotional support, understanding and love. I need your company and to feel your arms around me.
"I'll never force anyone to do what they don't want to, you do what you feel you need to do"
And so he'd always thought I knew he wanted me to stay, when in fact I felt he felt an obligation to have me stay, where was I to go, plus Pappy was the one that asked me here in Dec 1999. The normal rounds of why this question keeps arising (often seemingly out of the blue) and trying to explain in away he'd understand, frustration mounting I burst out.....
"It's always at the back of my mind nipping away no matter what we're doing, FOR YEARS NOW, if we're getting on well or not. I feel like a burden to you and that you feel obligated to have me stay. The answer you always give me makes me think you just don't want to be the one to say "GO" (and so flooded the frustration).You're the only reason I'm here and if I go now (to UK) it'll be to die, because without you WHAT'S THE POINT, I'LL HAVE NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR. I'm close, very close to the point of giving in, EVERYTHING ELSE HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME, it's because of you I'm still here............"
After taking a breath (feeling light headed) to continue, tears starting to well up because I expected the same go around again and again, usually ending with me storming off with "F U" and the sound of pappys chuckles following me I said..
"I would never hold it against you if you said this was too much to handle, that you found it burden....I would understand"
Then the tears flowed full force and I ran into his arms crying
"That's all I need to hear"
As the words
"Well of course I want you to stay"
Wrang through the air.