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Sunday, April 14, 2013


I need to say THANK YOU to Pappy. Boy have we had our laughs, I can't help but smile when I think of the time we set out to go fishing in old Bessy with your second son.  The weather was perfect, the cooler packed with goodies, old and new fishing tackle, chairs to sit on. Excited for a fun day we piled into  old Bessy  and off we went. We hadn't got far before you ask #2 son for the map, to which he replied "what map?" It was obvious by the look on your face you knew where it was, on the table at home. We'd been pouring over it carefully picking out which lake to spend the day at. Against #2 son suggestion you decided WE didn't need it. I don't remember how many times we went past the same tower,you KNEW the way. Each time we'd go past the tower you'd drive a bit further, take more turns. The look on your face was a picture when you turned the corner and there was the tower, you silently muttered  to yourself  "oh dear"  I couldn't stop myself and burst out laughing when #2 son suggested 
 "It would help if you didn't keep turning right"


We did eventually make it to the lake and had a wonderful time,we didn't catch much that day but that didn't matter, we had fun. As the sun we getting low in the sky we packed up, made our way to the outside toilets. Being the gentleman you let me go first I tried to warn you about the mosquitoes as you desperately rushed in, but my words went unheard. I was trying to shout over the top of the wall you came bursting out with the biggest cloud of mosquitoes chasing you, pulling up your zipper shouting


I know most men have a hard time talking about their feelings, there are some who don't know how to show affection. There's many who don't know how to deal with illness, especially if it's their life partner. We don't expect you to know how to fix it, we just simply need your support and plenty of hugs. 


I know things haven't been easy over the years, the past two and half have been the hardest yet. I'm sorry I hid from you how ill I was feeling, we'd already been through so much with my health. The stress between us caused by the persistent break ins 
RIGHT FROM WRONG and all that it brought with it, we had grown so far apart I honestly didn't think you'd care. I also couldn't understand how you couldn't see how ill I was getting, or maybe you were purposely ignoring it because you didn't believe I really was ill. Please understand honey I'm not faulting you, I'm explaining how I felt.

I want you to know I appreciate very much all you do and have done for me. I know it hasn't been easy for you and less so now, I need you now more than ever before. I need to know you still love me and want me. I need your patience  in a way I've never needed it in the past. I don't expect you to know how to fix it, I just need your emotional support, understanding and love. I need your company and to feel your arms around me.

After being back on steroids for nearly a week, the uncontrollable emotional side effects kicked in (poor pappy). We've had many discussions over the years about what to do with what's left of my ceramics studio (most of it has been stolen). Commonsense is, I'm and have  been for some years too ill to continue on a business scale, hobby scale is iffy at best (if I can get that far), but I always ended up too emotional to deal with the thought of letting it go. I clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe day......

  What Pappy doesn't know is, it was also like an anchor, so long as it was all here it wouldn't be easy to simply tell me to GO. As and if you read my/our story through different posts and pages within this blog you'll understand that statement. Even though a lot has been stolen over the years, there's still a lot to  move, it's nothing like just packing a suitcase (I wanted to be with Pappy). So you see the other problem thats nipped and nipped at the back of my mind  for years (because I felt I was an added burden to other problems).. ..was 

"Did Pappy still want me, did he want me stay ?

Now this is where the big difference between how the male/female brains work , when women ask

  "Do you still want me, do you want me to stay ?" 


It's not some secret code for
 "I want to leave you"

All she really wants to know is, you do still want her and you don't want her to leave.

And so three days ago it came pouring out of my mouth AGAIN, which confused poor Pappy due to the fact we have been plotting and scheming something (to be unveiled latter), so it was a 'non subject' to him. I was supposed to know that he wanted me with him, even though he had never actually said so when I'd ask "THAT" question. Pappys usual answer was always.......

"I'll never force anyone to do what they don't want to, you do what you feel you need to do"

And so he'd always thought I knew he wanted me to stay, when in fact I felt he felt an obligation to have me stay, where was I to go, plus Pappy was the one that asked me here in Dec 1999. The normal rounds of why this question keeps arising (often seemingly out of the blue) and trying to explain in away he'd understand, frustration mounting I burst out.....

"It's always at the back of my mind nipping away no matter what we're doing, FOR YEARS NOW, if we're getting on well or not. I feel like a burden to you and that you feel obligated to have me stay. The answer you always give me makes me think you just don't want to be the one to say "GO" (and so flooded the frustration).You're the only reason I'm here and if I go now (to UK) it'll be to die, because without you WHAT'S THE POINT, I'LL HAVE NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR. I'm close, very close to the point of giving in, EVERYTHING ELSE HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME, it's because of you I'm still here............"

After taking a breath (feeling light headed) to continue, tears starting to well up because I expected the same go around again and again, usually ending with me storming off with "F U" and the sound of pappys chuckles following me I said..

"I would never hold it against you if you said this was too much to handle, that you found it burden....I would understand"

Then the tears flowed full force and I ran into his arms crying
"That's all I need to hear"
As the words

"Well of course I want you to stay"
Wrang through the air.

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