IF TODAY......

SHOULD BE MY LAST

TOMORROW

All photos taken by June Gaul

BUTTERFLIES ARE THE
CYCLE OF
LIFE

PLEASE DON'T CRY FOR ME

REJOICE FOR ME

BE HAPPY

 FOR ME

FAERIE WATERFALL I WOULD SPEND
HOURS IN ESCAPE FROM
THE WORLD

FOR I WILL HAVE FINALLY
 FOUND HOME GONE HOME
AND FOUND PEACE

Life for so many isn't or hasn't been easy, some manage to climb to the top, some to the middle and some stay where they are in life. There are folks who have the opinion that if you can't move on, lift yourself out of a pit (situation) then you haven't tried hard enough or done enough to climb out.  Don't do what I've done all my life and believe those words, if their pit was looked at closely it would be noticeably different from yours and everyone else. There are those that had at least ONE STABLE STRONG PERSON in their lives and I mean right by their sides day after day to help lift them out, those are the ones (I find) who have a tendency to come down heavily on those that continue to struggle.

Yes there are those that feel life, the world and others (even strangers) owe them. They will take without thought, consideration or compassion for others. . They aren't able to believe that there are folks in the world who do care and are willing to help them, given the chance (maybe that's how folks treat them). There are those who have no trust in anyone, they don't know how to trust folks . They look at anyone kind, thoughtful or helpful with suspicion, wondering what the ulterior motives are, that they are just on the take. .......(maybe something happened to them). I also know but don't like to believe, some folks are just plain selfish and mean. What I'm trying to say is, there are so many different situations, pits and whatevers with so many different personalities and obstacles, the words
 "IF I COULD DO IT SO COULD YOU" or "I MADE IT WITHOUT ANY HELP"
really are just words.

Please read without judgment, try
read with your heart instead of your mind.

Looking at words and sayings there's a few I'd like to look at.....
"GOD HAS YOUR BACK" hum that goes with "GOD HAS BETTER PLANS FOR YOU"
 yup to struggle with my breathing and.....well you'll see why I say these things IF you read on.
 "GOD ONLY PUTS ON OUR SHOULDERS AS MUCH AS WE CAN CARRY"
that goes with
 "SUICIDED IS A COWARDS WAY OUT OR SELFISH"
 If we are given as much as we can carry on our shoulders, why do folks commit suicide? Yes, there maybe a few who do it for selfish reasons but I find that hard to believe and some who don't really mean for the attempt to go that far, it was their desperate unheard cry for help. Have you really seen how hard a suicide victim  has struggled, not only with things in their lives but, also over wanting to commit suicide. Many of them actually struggle from months to years over how to deal with things, how to put anything, just one thing right in their world and turn things around,  how to make everyone/anyone they love or come in contact with happy or accept them. Folks around them are usually too busy with the
 "YOU SHOULD THIS, YOU SHOULD THAT"
 they really aren't taking notice of the true person in front of them, the one that's fighting so hard to hold it all together. 

COMMITTING SUICIDE IS NEITHER AN EASY CHOICE, THE COWARDS WAY OUT
 NOR SELFISH.

"It's the only thing that will make everyone else happy, everyone will be better off without this person being a burden  in their lives, there's no more disappointing everyone and there's no more embarrassing those around you. You'll no longer be a useless, good for nothing, degrading thing that's bringing those around you down with you as well"

THESE ARE JUST SOME THOUGHTS THAT PLAY OVER AND OVER IN THE MIND.

They don't feel loved, cared about or wanted. When folks around them, close to them or that come into contact with them do the "YOU THIS, YOU THAT, YOU SHOULD" all too often, then give up or turn on the person that desperately needs them, they are often driven to SUICIDED. It's often agonized over for a very very long time, they can't understand why folks that are supposed to love and care about them don't see how far down in the bottomless pit of depression they are. How useless, unloved, unwanted and how bad they feel about themselves. Did you stop to think that something really bad could've happened to this person that shattered them, splintered their very soul......DID YOU ?

Don't get me wrong, I don't condone suicide, I simply understand.
Just as I understand the pain, anger and confusion
of those left behind (sometimes also relief)

I do also know there are mental disorders that lead to suicide, as well as other things like cults etc.....It's not those I'm talking about.......I'm not stupid nor naïve.

The truth is.....I have been in that place several times throughout my life......even recently, don't worry I'm afraid I'd screw it up like everything else I have and just make things worse.  In my younger years I did attempt suicide a few times, obviously it didn't work (I can't honestly say I'm glad it didn't) There were several incidents that drove me down that path you'll learn about if you choose to read my story.....That's if you have time.

"YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO" goes with " YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH" and "YOU LET THEM DO THAT TO YOU"

Have you really been able to do anything/everything completely and fully that you set your mind out to do (remember we're talking about true struggles in life). I mean you, not an army of yous being told what to do? There are few that can truly say yes. Have you any idea what these folks have been through in their lives that you throw these words at? Honestly, have you talked and listened to these folks, truly heard what they are saying, to find out what's really happening to be able to say 'you didn't try...' or do you even know what was being done to them and how many folks have gone against them, how often and hard they had to struggle and fight against those folks to say 'you let them do that...'? It's not possible to judge others by your accomplishments or your reactions to situations and pits you've been through, nor against those you know who have managed to  succeed. You can however use your experience to truly SEE the person in front of you.
Even I am guilty of thinking folks would react the same way I would in some given situations.

 "I SEE YOU"
(your soul) 

EVERYONES SOUL IS DIFFERENT.
TAKE TIME TO SEE AND LISTEN
TO A PERSON'S SOUL YOU
 JUST MIGHT FIND YOU
MISJUDGED
THEM

LUNA MOTH ON MY HAND

As far back as I can remember (just before Cyprus) the only time I felt wanted and accepted, loved and most importantly protected was in my Grandfathers arms.  He used to do crafts using glue that would stick to his fingers, I'd spend hours sitting on his knees, picking off the glue, tucked safely under his arm. He used to make toilet roll covers out of thin colored sponge foam (cut in circles) and plastic dolls. He'd glue the circles into grand ballroom dresses on the dolls, her legs would go in the center of the spare roll and there she stood in all her glory. It was truly magical to watch him work and see these beautiful ladies blossom right in front of my very own eyes. He passed away when we lived in Cyprus (they thought I was too young to understand)......... my one and only safe haven was gone.

The Cyprus years were the start of a lifetime of being an outcast, someone who didn't belong, even in my so called home. It was the start of a lifetime of being bullied, made fun of, pushed away, laughed at, taunted, judged and told I was no good etc. I am a very deep sleeper and have been since I was born, this unfortunately led me to being a bed wetter. Everything was tried from not letting me drink after a certain time early evening to controlling my fluid intake during late afternoon. Finally an electric mat was placed on my bed, as I started to wet an alarm would go off, right next to my head. The idea was, I was supposed to wake-up, stop wetting, get up and go to the bathroom. Every Time I was woken up by someone else, not the alarm (I never heard it). I'd wet the bed was still sound asleep with the bloody alarm going  on too long. I was told I was being lazy and just didn't want to get up, some nights I was left to sleep in a wet bed (depending who woke me). There were times a cloth nappy (diaper) and plastic pants were tossed at me, I was told to put them on myself . I had problems wetting during the day sometimes, it was terrible if I wet while we were out or desperately needed to 'go', even though I had gone before we left the house. I had wet a couple of times at school because either the teacher wouldn't let me leave the classroom (I should've gone during break they'd say) or the kids wouldn't let me in the bathroom at break time (I was five years old)

I remember our playground was on the second floor, concrete walls around the sides, stood on tiptoe I could just see the top of the wall and bit of sky, there was a concrete roof because that was part of the upper floors. I would spend every break time pinned to the wall looking up at that bit of sky, begging it not to let any of the other kids notice me or come near me. I would walk as close as I could to the walls in the halls back to class for fear of being pushed, noticed and laughed at. Everyone seemed so much bigger than me, better than me and were certainly much louder than me. It was a mixed, multi aged school, so there were children from around four-eleven. I struggled with the lessons, often not understanding words and digits on the blackboard, sound of laughter rippled around the room when my name was mentioned, again I was classed as lazy. I didn't feel safe, wanted or accepted. Running across the spare lot next to school at the end of the day to the school  bus in thin rubber flip flops, I heard the teacher shout " STOP RUNNING". It was too late, I'd already put my foot down onto glass that went right into the sole of my foot, an inch deep. With the sound of laughter ringing in my ears I pulled out the glass and limped to the bus, where my foot was dressed accompanied by the sound of taunting.

If you read my post on MOMMY/2013/04/ and scroll down to MOMMIES CAN DO MAGIC and my post MY DEAR SISTERS 2013/04 you'll see not all my time in Cyprus was unhappy.

It's freezing cold, dark and what seems to be clouds down to the ground (fog), running down a small hill with all the hope my little body could muster (deep down I knew though) a hope that wasn't true, I ran into the wrong house. It was my Granddads neighbors house, at first I felt shocked and confused then afraid, why were they living in his house ? Then I felt stupid after Nanna came to get me, letting me know on no uncertain terms I knew which was her house (I think we had just arrived back from Cyprus) and I was wrong for running into that house. We had only been to her house a few times under the age of five or six  because we had lived abroad or on another island prior. Minutes later squeezing myself past all the adults at nans door, my first step in the house my heart  sank, it felt different, it smelt different and sounded different (they thought I was too young to understand what death was). I knew then, learnt and understood, hope was nothing but a lie, that not everything was possible and God didn't have my back.....God had really
taken my safe haven away from me.

AROUND 6-7 YRS OLD

 THIS LINK EXPLAINS THE BIRTISH SCHOOL SYSTEM AND CHANGES SINCE THE 1960'S



Eventually settling in and starting school in England, again I found myself an outcast, I didn't sound like everyone at school. Being what's called a 'Forces Brat', my dad was in the Royal Air Force (RAF), living in different countries and Mommy teaching us how to speak English correctly, we obviously didn't have the local or surrounding areas accents. This led to ridicule, teasing, being mimicked and laughed at, there was nowhere to hide, there no way of escape, how I wished I could be invisible. This was made worse when the teachers would make me stand up in class to read. Back then they didn't watch for things like dyslexia or learning disabilities, again I was classed as being lazy, the children called me stupid, dumb and dunce. I would stand there shaking, the words in the book would move, shift positions or simply float off the page. Feeling the teacher breathing over me, their annoyance feeling like and punch in my back, the snickering of the children, tears would start to flow (this delighted the children to no-end) I stood there desperately trying to become invisible.

I FOUND PHOTO OF MY FIRST SCHOOL IN ENGLAND
AND HISTORY OF MY TOWN LEEDS.
http://www.leodis.net/

  I was in an old infant/primary school, though it was very small I don't remember how many children attended and the age range was around five-eight years old (I remember kids younger and older than me). The bathrooms were in stalls in an outside corridor attached to the school, short toilets for the younger children and taller ones for the older ones. Neither size were the right fit for me, I either sat with my knees under my chin or dangling no where near the floor, this spectacle was of great entertainment to some children who'd look over the stall laughing (it was devastating). When they found out about my urgent bladder calls to the bathrooms, it was even more fun for them to taunt me running, hoping with all my tiny might I'd make it without an accident (needless to say I didn't drink much during the day).

 It was in the council neighborhood that bordered onto private homes, cars were luxury back then and still are, so we walked a good mile or more to school. I remember the route as plain as day, even the lamp posts I'd walk into, the walk was like being led to a torture chamber five days a week. I'd walk as slow as possible without getting into trouble for dawdling, keep my eyes as low as possible because the nearer we got the tears would start to flow.  Often with tears and hysterics, trying to cling to mommy so she'd take me with her after she'd walked me there I was left to face my torturers (children). Mommy didn't know what was happening at school, you see I was painfully shy (still shy) and didn't make friends easily. Mommy would reassure me every time she left I would find a friend. She was right, I did find a friend who was as shy as I was, what a lovely pair of targets we made for the tortures. Then one day that changed, she had come to realize if she followed them and joined in they'd leave her alone. Although I couldn't stand up for myself, I always stood up for others (I'm still the same today) and always stood up for her when they'd start on her. I was devastated, I didn't understand what I'd done wrong for her to turn on me, I did understand and learn I was no good.

After awhile I'd walk myself to and from school, only part way with my older sister Andie because she went to the big school. Something had happened at home, daddy was no longer there and mommy had to work. A few of the children form my school lived on our street, at first they were nice we'd all play in the street, borrow each others toys etc. Something else started happening to me, something that made my mind close off. I would find myself going into a daydream, so completely immersed I wasn't aware of my surroundings at all, it would just happen (or so I thought). This is when I started walking into lamp posts n such, it would be such a hard hit I'd be dizzy after, many times I'd apologize thinking I'd walked into a person. I'm absolutely amazed I never got hit by a car. It would happen in class too, I just simply wouldn't be there and I'd no idea what the class had been about....Then came the added label 'Daydreamer', not one person stopped to consider something was wrong, I was just a stupid, dumb, dunce, lazy no good  daydreamer.

TO BE CONTINUED..................