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Fractured Families Splintered Lives.

It's said by nature human beings need contact with other humans in order to thrive. We need to be touched, to be held, some form of loving nurturing physical contact. It's been scientifically proven babies in intensive care improve better with the loving touch from their mother. We need verbal contact, to be able to express ourselves, use and hear words of love and encouragement. We need to be accepted, loved and cared about, especially from our family.


What happens when that doesn't happen, when being touched is in the form of beatings. Not the smack on the hand or bottom type, but being hit and punched with a closed fist repeatedly like a punching bag. When the fist isn't enough a heavy leather belt is used or a large handle heavy duty mechanics screwdriver to do deed. When the loving nurturing physical touch comes in a form that's a dirty hidden secret. It's not something that's spoken of and if it's mentioned it's called a lie. When expressing oneself isn't allowed, in doing so could result in ones mouth being washed out with soap (children are to be seen not heard) and when being seen is too much a locked dark room is the solution. When the only words heard are full of hate, disdain and blame. The encouragement comes in the form of being told "You're a useless, lazy, good for nothing idiot". Whose dumb, stupid and will never amount  to anything.

What happens when that much need tender loving  bond between mother and child never happens. Instead of holding that infant lovingly in her arms for the first time, washed over with awe and wander of the miracle of life, she tries to do the unthinkable.......An act that very few can comprehend, rendering the infant brain damaged and still left in it's mother's care. What happens when children don't feel loved or wanted, when they don't feel accepted nor that they belong in the family. Not understanding that the life they are living ISN'T normal, that the harder they try to be good or show how much they love their family, they feel scared and alone. Blaming themselves for the disharmony in the home, they become broken, their family becomes fractured and those little innocent lives start to splinter......

Time and time again I hear people say "Children are resilient, and overcome situations better than adults" I often wonder if they really believe that, or are they saying it just to make themselves feel better and have they thought about the long term affect a bad situation can have on a child ? Just because many children have the ability to carry on playing and being like a normal child, doesn't mean they haven't been affected in some way. If children are so resilient why do so many of them struggle in life with low self esteem, lack of confidence, and  most often in relationships with their peers then later in life with love?

Growing up becomes a mixture of who am I, where do I belong, how do I fit in, why do they say I'm someone I'm not. If I become who they say I am will they Love me, accept me and want me? As the childs personality grows and develops  a battle starts within the mind, there's a tug of war between their natural nature and wanting to be the type of child they're being told they are. Even if the type of personality is not a nice one, the child will try to become that. This tug of war gets stronger and stronger, the damage becomes deeper as the child tries to conform. As the years go by who they are supposed to be becomes very confusing, peoples view of them keeps changing. It becomes so much harder to please those in the their life, to become all the different personalities they are supposed to be.

The child's natural nature starts to get buried under the pressure of trying to please everyone. There comes a time when the childs life starts to splinter, it happens at different ages and in so many ways because each child is different, no two are the same, not even twins. What the child has been through needs to be taken into consideration too, this can have a huge influence as to how the child's life splinters. Some become withdrawn, preferring to blend into the background, or there's those that'll be loud and over the top. Others can become very erratic, one minute sweet and helpful, then mean and spiteful. There are those that become good actors, not giving any hint there's something wrong, some become the class clown to help them hide the inner confusion. Many mature too quickly while others mature slowly, not always in all areas but often in just some.

At an early age some tend to make friends (if they make friends at all) with the wrong type of personalities or below their station (as it was once put to me). Not because the child wants to feel important or be the center of attention, but because they're made to feel accepted (at first). The truth of the matter is, the child is being made fun of and laughed at behind their backs. Those so called friends plot and scheme different ways to make the child feel embarrassed.  Often they end up bullying and pushing the child into doing things they wouldn't normally do, only to end up in trouble. Feeling betrayed, guilty and foolish the child will sometimes sever the 'friendship' and find themselves alone. Other splintered children will cling to this type of 'friendship' because it's the only type of treatment they've ever known.

In all honestly some young children can be very cunning and conniving, they can also be downright mean. Lets face it it's all part of growing up, learning what's acceptable and what's not. There are children that have a sense that enables them to pick up on another childs weaknesses and they home in on them. These children have the ability to get others to join in with their taunting of those that are weaker, smaller or quieter. Some such children are splintered children, others are just that way and some are like that because they are spoilt, getting away with anything they do because their parents refuse to see their child would do such a thing. When dealing with children like this their background needs to be looked at thoroughly.

Splintered children become splintered teenagers and adults, some do manage to turn things around for the better, though it's often not until they've been through some kind of personal turmoil. This can take form of being promiscuous, often starting in their early teenage years. The sex is believed to be love, mistaken as being wanted and cared about, it takes a long time (many years) to understand it has nothing to do with those. The guilt and disgust at oneself becomes all consuming which can lead, but not always, to substance abuse, if it's not already there. It also leads to a great deal of confusion of what love really is, especially if this was the form of 'love' the child was shown.

To be continued......

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