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Sunday, April 28, 2013




"Births, Weddings and Deaths bring the best or the worst out in people "

Boy is that saying true, it's one saying out of the thousands out there that I actually agree with, though I would also add Holidays to that (any religious holidays regardless of religious persuasion). Plus what I've come to call Hallmark days, ya know those days the card companies keep making up. I have seen another side of folks around these times I didn't know they were capable of, talk about doing a double take to make sure I was talking the  right person.

Being in America I've missed many important events in my family over the years,(the reason being will be understood as I continue my story) the birth of my nieces and nephews, my younger sisters weddings. Nans 100th and 101first birthdays, her death and funeral. As I write this with frustration (not being able to help mommy), and many mixed emotions, I've missed the death of one of  my uncles (mommies brother) I'll also miss his funeral.

Now this brings me to the title of this post (PERSONAL CHOICE) Obviously there is a certain amount of expectancy from those involved with these events or celebrations, be it those doing the planning or those just attending. There is also a certain amount of etiquette and decorum that's expected, unfortunately there are those that expect everyone to tow the line regardless of circumstances in a persons life, including their emotional state.

I was a witness and also received this type of attitude many times, over my years in America. I once sat in a very bright loud restaurant, on one of their busiest days of the year with a full blown migraine. Not being able to hold my head up let alone open my eyes, my ear drums and head violently pounding at the slightest noise. Praying I wouldn't reach the point of vomiting, the smell of food wasn't helping, I sat there pinned between two people (Gods help them if I need to vomit) with no escape. I was expected to be there along with CWG, there would've been hell to pay if I or we hadn't gone. The opinion was I had developed the migraine on purpose because I didn't want to go..REALLY!

When Mom Scott's husband Bob passed away many years ago, I wanted to be there for Mom Scott, my best friend Chris and the family I'd grown close to. It was the same weekend CWG and I had been invited to a friends wedding, festivities to start couple of days before the ceremony in another state several hours drive. I was deeply hurt and disturbed with CWG's attitude towards Bobs funeral and my feelings, you see it was very inconvenient because I had known about the wedding weeks beforehand  If CWG had his way we wouldn't have gone to the funeral at all. I was told we could go to the church service only, we were sitting at the back (not with Mom Scott as she wished) and we were to leave immediately when the service finished.

As things like this continued, the problems CWG and I were having escalated, a feeling of resentment started building inside me. Not just towards CWG but also another member of his family who too often made sure their two pennies worth were heard. Anyone in situations similar to these would want some thought, consideration and understanding about their feelings and wishes. That's all I wanted and being a splintered child I naturally wanted to make the choice that felt emotionally safe.

No one should be made to be in a position they don't feel emotionally safe, especially a splintered child. If people were a bit more understanding towards each other, being thoughtful and remembering when the event is fraught with emotion some may choose not to be present. It's personal choice, they're not wrong for choosing not to be present, even if someone sticks their two pennies worth in saying it's wrong. With that little bit of  understanding relationships can start to slowly mend.

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